Environmental Magic!

The brain cells have been buzzing for the last four days. I was asked if I could produce magic tricks to highlight key points in a presentation of Environmental Awareness. To be honest, it's not something that I really think about too much. I conserve power simply because the bills can get astronomical if I don't! I've always recycled packaging to various degrees but there is much more to it than that. I've come up with a few ideas based on the theme of their presenter being the 'straight' man and I'll do the comedy stuff to lighten up the presentation. I've got various ideas for things like switching off the lights, saving water and animal conservation so it should work pretty well. Let's hope my clients like it too.

Teenagers - Just anti anything adult?

We had a Halloween party like many people last weekend. One of our friends arrived with their own kids and a few others in tow. Not a problem for us but we ended up with a group of about six or seven girls in their early teens. Naturally they congregated together and stayed away from the rest of us as much as possible. Not a problem either as far as we were concerned. At several points during the evening, they all decided to visit the bathroom at the same time. When I went upstairs I saw the door was open and they were simply taking pictures of each other in their costumes on the mobile phones. When I asked if there was a more scenic location to take photographs other then the bathroom I was told, "PROBABLY NOT". I decided to let it go and turned away to hear the same person ask the other girls, "WHAT'S SCENIC?" I no longer wonder why teenagers have such a bad reputation!

On a more positive note, they were a great audience when I decided to try out some of my new act on them.

I Love Fancy Dress

I helped out a friend at the weekend - Something that we all should do. In my case it was business but that is neither here nor there. I first met Sammy and Donna when they opened their Fancy Dress shop near to where I lived. I offered to entertain the customers at their opening for free. Not only was I helping them, I was publicising myself at the same time. The store was going fine for just over a year when somebody decided to set light to the rubbish bin outside the shop. The end result was the shop was gutted and all the effort they had put in was wasted. They weren't deterred by the fire and opened a new shop in a slightly different location. That's where I was on Saturday, helping with the re-launch. They only have one changing room at the moment so I was entertaining the queue of people waiting to try on various costumes. I can't just stand around when people look lost so I was also helping people locate various costumes and accessories when I wasn't performing. Sammy tried to pay me for performing but I refused. That is what friendship is all about. Businesses and people should spend more time helping each other - especially in these troubled economic times. A final plug, their website is www.ilovefancydress.co.uk

Corporate Stupidity

I've just lost a booking. Nothing new there. Every entertainer gets inquiries that fall flat but I can't believe the stupid reason that I've just been given. Starting from the beginning, I was contacted by the manager of a new office of a nationwide concern. They wanted me to entertain at the launch party. My brain went into overdrive thinking that this would be a fantastic foot in the door so I quoted them a price that was more for a local two-hour private party than a four-hour corporate gig some miles away - and made sure they knew what I was doing. The manager called back after consulting with their Head Office over my fee and told me that they had got permission to hire me. Then they asked for a VAT invoice. Like the majority of self-employed persons, not just entertainers, I'm not registered for VAT as my turnover is nowhere near the threshold for compulsory registration. I explained all this to the manager and was told that they would have to check with Head Office again. You've guessed it, when I got a second call I was told that Head Office will only allow dealings with VAT registered companies and individuals! What a bunch of plonkers. They are never going to get somebody who is VAT registered to do what I was prepared to do for the same price especially when they only have three days to find them! Looks like it will be a quiet, boring and forgettable launch but that is their problem not mine.

The DVD has escaped!

After a lot of trials and tribulations, my DVD has finally got out. There are ten magic tricks that you can do, loads of optical illusions and also some interactive magic. All this for just £5 including UK post & Packing! Check my website now for more details.

Second Wave – The Prologue

To be honest, I’m still on a high from Friday Night and it’s now 11:11pm on Sunday. I was entertaining at a SPARKS gala dinner organised by Rick Wakeman, a man I have admired since the 1970’s when he released the iconic album ‘Journey To The Centre Of The Earth’.

The day started off with teams of amateur golfers paired with a celebrity and afterwards there was a black tie gala diner at a hotel near to the golf course. I was entertaining in the bar before the dinner, at the tables during the dinner and back in the bar after the dinner. Most of the celebrities seemed to have gone home after the golf but I may be wrong. I am not really interested in sports of any kind so it is possible that some well known sportsmen were there and I didn’t know it.

There were some faces that I did recognise however, the first being Russ Abbot. The wife and I had seen him in pantomime a couple of years ago and I went over to tell him how much we liked the show. It was a real traditional version of Peter Pan with no stupid references to soap operas and the like made by actors who are only famous because they have been in a soap opera and have no idea of the ‘tricks’ that seasoned professionals bring to pantomime. Pantomime is the first real introduction to theatre for most children and they need to know it is a totally different animal from television. Excuse me while I climb down from my soapbox! There, that’s better. Back to Russ Abbot. He is a real gentle man. Quietly spoken, unassuming and happy to chat to anybody. As soon as he realised that I am a magician, he was champing at the bit to see a trick. I made him laugh with the trick and then I astounded him by revealing the true climax of the trick. Both he and his wife loved it as well as everybody else at his table.

The second ‘gentle man’ I met that evening was John Virgo and I scrambled his brains with one of my real ‘killer’ tricks. His real-life character is exactly the same as the one you see on TV. Would that all celebrities were like these two people. Trust me, I’ve met plenty who have let fame go to their heads.

Second Wave – Day Zero

Another travelling day although this one was substantially different to the last. Leaving the wife was much harder this time because we both knew how much we would be missing each other for the next ten days. It’s also strange because I am travelling overnight. I normally travel to London during the day and return home at night so the trip down was a bit of an eye-opener. The estuary mud flats look much more sinister in the half-light so I think I’ll have to try and get down there with a camera at dusk one evening to get some dramatic photographs.

The journey to London wasn’t enhanced by the drunken Irish couple having a row while standing next to me. Eventually they sat down (even thought the lady was insisting she would never sit down again ever in her life) but everybody in the carriage could still hear them quite clearly.

As there was engineering works on the Tube, I had worked out an easier route across London but I hadn’t bargained for a thirty minute wait when changing from the main line to the Tube at West Ham. Never mind, I arrived at Paddington Station with over ninety minutes to spare before my train left so I just had to freeze my bum on the metal seats until the platform number appeared on the indicator boards. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long and got on the train almost an hour before it was due to leave. Wonder what joys the journey will bring. Most of the other passengers seem to have come equipped with blankets but I’ve got enough weight in my bags already so there was no way I was going to carry a blanket as well.

Sod’s Law. I’d just packed away the computer when the fun and games started. Firstly, Mr and Mrs Blobby got on the train. This is not being disrespectful as both of them were seriously overweight. The carriage was split into a set of four seats and a set of two. I had a window seat in a four and they had the two seats on the opposite side of the carriage – thankfully they were not on my side. They settled down as if they were laying siege to something. There were blankets, jumpers, food and water everywhere. The crowning glory (no pun intended) was when Mrs Blobby wrapped something pink around her head and pulled it down over her eyes to shut out the light slumped sideways and began snoring loudly.. I’m not sure what she used to block out the light but I’m hoping it wasn’t a pair of her knickers – they’d certainly be big enough! The next incident came when the guard checked their tickets. It seems they were not travelling on the correct route and he was making noises about charging them the fare from Paddington to Reading. Eventually he relented and they both settled back down to sleep.

Then along came a stick-insect style female who had been allocated a seat on the opposite side of the table to me. She insisted on putting her suitcase under the table which not only blocked my way out but also prevented me from stretching my legs sideways. When I pointed this out to her and told her there was plenty of space in the luggage rack, she just ignored me. I told her I would need to disturb her as I was getting out at Plymouth and she was going on to Penzance. Her reply was, “Good luck. You will have a hard job to wake me up when I am asleep”. I didn’t say anything but I’m sure you can guess what was going through my mind. I reckon the look on my face told her everything she needed to know because when we reached Plymouth she was wide awake. The other nice thing she did was to put her rucksack on the outside seat and sit diagonally across the four seats. This meant I was trapped in a small area next to the window. I got my own back when I ‘accidentally’ managed to kick her shoes right under her seat so would have to go fishing for them when she wanted to put them back on!

Next there came a freeloader. After the train had left Paddington, the guard started checking the tickets. There was a bit of a commotion at the end of my carriage but I didn’t take much notice at first. The noise went on for a while and I eventually listened to what was going on. There was a man who claimed he had had his wallet stolen and had no money, credit cards or identification. Because he wanted to get somewhere, he simply boarded the train and expected to get a free ride. The guard started talking about calling the police but the man wouldn’t budge. We had a rather long stop at Reading and an unscheduled stop later but I’m not sure how they dealt with the situation.

It was virtually impossible to get any sleep on the train for several reasons:-

• The train was very busy and people who had not booked seats were wandering about trying to find a decent seat.
• People were constantly going to and from the toilet and buffet
• The lights in the carriage were left on until 3am!

When I did finally manage to get a catnap, I woke with a start and was horrified to find my glasses had disappeared. I had taken them off and had obviously dropped them while asleep. As I can’t see more than a few inches, finding them was a priority and a nightmare. After groping around on the floor to no avail I sat back and finally noticed a sort of shine from one part of the floor. I carefully extended my foot towards the shine and drew it back hoping to hook my glasses. Luckily the shine was my glasses and I managed to retrieve them without breaking them. No more catnaps for me on this trip. Well, almost none. We had a two hour stop at one station so I grabbed a bit of shut-eye and made sure my glasses were safe before I started to try and sleep.

One thing I must add to today’s record is that I am amazed at the number of people working through the night. The train passed through many urban areas and there always seemed to be somebody doing something. I think I must take a lot for granted when it comes to basic things like food deliveries to stores and such like. Things that can only be done overnight are seldom recognised I suppose.

Second Wave – Day One

6:30am in Plymouth and the weather forecaster got it wrong again. Scattered showers my bum, it’s tipping down (to put it politely). My plan was to find a bench in the shopping centre, as I noticed loads of them last time, and sit for a while before having breakfast. Instead I find myself huddled in shop doorways looking like a vagrant in a crumpled suit with his luggage. Eventually I got into a Wetherspoon pub and had a massive breakfast partly because I was starving and partly because I knew my next meal would be at 5pm on the ship. I did a double take at all the men in the pub at 9am with pints of beer. At that time of day all I want is a decent cup of tea. I won’t get one on the ship so I’m going to make the most of the one I have in front of me now.

Following breakfast I went back to see my old friend in his magic shop. He gave me some sad and very personal news which I won’t repeat here. However, that didn’t stop us nattering like all magicians do when they get together. You wouldn’t believe how much effort goes into even the simplest of tricks. Unfortunately I can even begin to discuss them here without giving away so many secret principles that we apply to almost every trick we perform.

The rain eased off a bit so I went to the port office early. By the time I had got there, the sky was black again so I think I made the right decision. Will just have to see how choppy the sea is later. When the ship arrived, I got on board with the cleaners so I had ample time to shower and change before the embarkation. The new kid’s entertainer brought so much stuff he would have needed two cabins and the entertainments manager made him put a load of it back in his car. He still has very little space in his cabin for himself so it will be very interesting to see his act tonight.

While chatting to the new kid’s entertainer I had a strange feeling that I recognised his face and voice but it wasn’t until he told me his working name that I remembered I had seen him on a TV documentary about clowns. Watching him work was a real eye opener. He must be drinking about 500 cups of coffee a day to be as madcap and frantic as he is. The bottom line however is that the kids think he is great and that’s all that really matters.

I’m doing a lot more magic than I was doing on the last trip especially during the embarkation. It’s nice to be able to do more of what I’m being paid to do. Having said that, an extra walk-around session has been added to my morning schedule as the powers that be felt the morning entertainment schedule was a little thin. I’m not worried as it helps to keep me on my toes when it comes to performing.

A short diary today as not a lot happened and I have to be up early tomorrow to send off the three diary entries while we’re in England for a brief time. Tomorrow should be fairly quiet as it’s a crew change day and we’ll spend most of it in France. The weather has been terrible all the way across from England to France today but the sea has been kind to us. Let’s hope for a fair crossing tomorrow.

Second Wave – Day Two

It seems a bit strange calling this day two when I didn’t really start work until yesterday afternoon but there you go.

I forgot to mention the Plymouth nutter in yesterday’s diary. While I was sheltering in a doorway I was approached by a man in a grubby anorak who decided he was going to talk to me. He went on about having a nervous breakdown, how he was on permanent medication for the rest of his life and how he had a lobster in his backpack. I had no option but to stand there and take it as I wasn’t going to risk upsetting him and ending up in the local hospital, or worse.

Anyway, I woke up fairly early today, by ship standards that is, and managed a quick call to the wife after sending off the diaries that I’d typed up on previous days. I’m trying to get the stuff right first time so I don’t have so much work to do editing the final version for everybody when I get back. It was a real pain going over the daily documents to sort out all the mistakes before collating everything into one package. Spell checkers can only do so much you know. I’m reminded of the story of IBM who released a new word-processor many years ago – this was in the years of dedicated machines unlike now where one PC can do almost everything. They were one of, if not the first to have a spell checker on their machines and the promotional blurb originally said that the spell checker was one of their CHEF assets! Told you spell checkers could only do so much.

Not a lot to do work-wise today as the crew will change over when we get to France. I’ve got a walk-around session at 11am, helping with the kid’s show at 1pm and embarking the new passengers at 10:30pm tonight. I’ll have to be careful I don’t overdo things with all this work! I might take the opportunity to look around the town today as I feel the need to stretch my legs a bit. The walk-around stuff at 11am is a pain as we normally have lunch then so I’ve had a chat with my manager and we are going to move the time to 10am from tomorrow to make life easier for us. It also helps to spread out the entertainment for the passengers.

We had a cracker of an incident during the kid’s show today. The entertainer had got a young girl from the audience to help him. He asked her name and then asked how old she was She replied,”THREE”. He then asked her what she wanted to be when she was older and she said “FOUR”!

I had to use one of the car decks to get off the ship and it was the first time I’d been down there. I never realised just how big the space is. To give you some idea, although all the cars had gone, they were offloading a cabin cruiser which was about the size of a small bungalow!

I’m glad I finally managed to get to see the town properly. It’s beautiful. It looks and feels like an old English seaside village – well it would do if all the signs weren’t in French and the people were speaking English but you know what I mean so stop being pedantic. The place is a mass of restaurants and they all seem to have a reasonably priced tourist menu. Two courses will cost between €12 and €15 which is not a lot. Drinks on the other hand are a different matter. That is obviously where they are making the real profit, just as they do in English restaurants and probably all over the world as well. The only pain about my excursion today is that the battery in my mobile phone was going flat and so I couldn’t take many pictures. I’ll just have to hope for good weather next Tuesday so that I can get back into town again. Failing that I’ll just have to see what concessions I can get on travelling when I’m not working and bring the wife over here for a long weekend.

The buggers have done it to me again. There I was having just finished dinner (nice bit of roast pork), a chapter of my book (The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins) and just drifting off into a nice power nap when the alarm went off and we all had to trundle down to the mess for a safety drill. I wouldn’t mind but all the entertainers have to do is stand there and this time nobody even checked that we were there anyway! The whole thing is conducted in French and as the three entertainers are the only people who don’t speak French they aren’t going to change anything. I felt sorry for the dozen or so people who were eating in the mess at the time. They had to leave their hot meals and go into the adjoining room for five minutes. Bet their dinner was pretty cold by the time they got back to it. Why can’t they do these things at a more sensible time? 6pm is ridiculous. If they did it around 3:30pm to 4:30pm it wouldn’t cause so much disruption to everybody. I suppose it’s just the usual bloody-mindedness of the higher echelons. Never mind, all over now so I think I’ll go back to my book as I’m not on duty until 10pm tonight.

It’s 7pm and time to do my ET impression (phone home). I went up on deck and was absolutely amazed to find we are surrounded by thick fog! Where on earth did that come from? I spoke to the kid’s entertainer in the mess and he said it descended within the space of a few minutes. I just can’t believe the change from a beautiful sunny day to this. Nature never ceases to amaze me.

Talking of amazement, I was chatting to one of the French ladies who works somewhere on the ship. (Note to wife : She is very young and very thin so you know she’s definitely not my type and we were definitely only chatting.) The normal crew have to work 11 hours a day. OK so they work a week and get a week off but that’s still a long working day. She was amazed at how little we have to work. We were also talking about the alcohol policy on board. Essentially drinking is prohibited except for the daily allowance that we are given by the manament. It is also in the contract that we can be breathalysed at any time and sacked if we fail the test. Other ships are far more lenient and really just get annoyed if you turn up for work under the influence of alcohol or with a hangover. I suppose that is also part of the reason for the strange shift pattern. A week dry can be followed by getting as drunk as a skunk (to put it politely) whenever you want.

I don’t believe this weather. I went down to my normal performing spot for the embarkation and when I looked out of the window the thick fog had turned into a light mist! I give up. How on earth does the weather manage to change so quickly? We’ve left port now and are heading back to England but the ship seems to be rolling a bit more than it has done for the past few days. Glad I’m going to be asleep for this crossing.

Finally for today, I’ve just been given my amended timetable. I’m doing 45 minutes adult walk-around magic at 10am, lunch, helping with the kid’s show 1 hour before disembark, disembark, 45 minute break, 1 hour adult close-up magic during embarkation, dinner, 4o minutes walk-around adult magic, helping with the kid’s show, disembark, 45 minute break and 1 hour adult close-up magic during embarkation. This gentle readers is my timetable from 10am to 11:30pm – can I stand the strain? Only time, and the remaining days of my diary, will tell.

Second Wave – Day Three

It was another early start today as we docked in Plymouth at 6:30am and I wanted to send off some emails. For some reason the email system kept on failing and it took me over thirty minutes to send out 2 emails. So much for technology.

I had my tea and toast as usual after calling home and settled down in the crew lounge for a while to watch breakfast TV. The kid’s entertainer was also up and about but admitted he had crashed out last night and that was why he missed the embarkation. He left and the news became repetitive so I turned off the TV and started to make my way past the galley (or kitchen if you prefer) to behold the love of my life. Bacon, sausages and fried eggs for breakfast! I was in there like a rat up a drainpipe and demolished a proper breakfast and another cup of tea without hesitation.

I mentioned during my last trip about how the girls in the French crew take such care over their appearance. It’s a shame they have to ruin the look by being surgically attached to a packet of cigarettes! Whenever and almost wherever I seem them they are clutching a packet of twenty as if it is a bar of pure gold. They dash into the mess for their meal or coffee break, grab some food and/or something to drink and make a beeline for the smoking room. I think the management are trying to discourage this by making the smoking room about a tenth of the size of the non-smoking area in the mess.

Since I’m on my soapbox again, why don’t people read? When I went off the ship yesterday I saw huge notices in several languages plastered all over the walls. They were basic instructions that anybody with two brain cells to rub together would do anyway but people still ignore the notices and then have the audacity to complain. It clearly says not to activate your car alarm when leaving the vehicle. On every crossing there is at least 5 car alarms going off as the ship rocks in the water. Then people start complaining either about the noise or because it’s their car and they are worried they will have a flat battery. For safety reasons, the car decks are sealed during the crossing so nobody can go down and turn off the alarm that they stupidly left on in the first place. If they can’t read a 6 foot high notice then that is their problem as far as I am concerned.

I had an interesting time during my walk-around magic. It seems that a lot of people would just prefer to have a chat with me so I’ not going to disappoint them! It’s amazing how quickly time passes when you are chatting instead of working. Mind you, there didn’t seem to be many people on board but when I spoke to the girl on the information desk she said we had a lot of passengers. Perhaps they heard I was working and hid.

There was another first today. Lunch was steak, chips and …. vegetables! Normally there is only chips or pasta or whatever and no vegetables or vegetables and no chips etc. with any meal. Perhaps we have some new chefs on board who understand what people actually want. On the downside, the drinks machine went weird on me and wouldn’t let me have my little bottle of wine for some reason. I’ve got another 4 hours to get my first ration so I’ll try again later.

Two awkward swines in the kid’s show today. Due to the layout of the cinema I politely ask people to move across to the far end of the row so that we can seat everybody quickly. When I asked one woman today to move across she replied,” Actually I prefer to sit here”. I politely explained that we had several more people who wanted to come in and the only way they could get to the empty seats was for her to continually get up and down unless she moved across but she remained firmly where she was. Now I’m not saying I did it on purpose but the next few people were all directed to her row and she was up and down like Tower Bridge for five minutes. She messed with the wrong person when she messed with me!

The second person was a total dork. We have a cinema full of kids with several parents and half way through the show a boy in his late teens opens the door and asks, “Is my little brother in here?” How the Hell do I know? I told him there were about 50 kids and he couldn’t disrupt the show before shutting the door on him and calling him several rude words – in my head of course.

The world has got it in for me at present. I told my manager that the drinks machine didn’t work for me properly and demonstrated what I’d done earlier. Do I really need to tell you that it worked perfectly? However to add insult to injury, I broke a fingernail as I took my wine from the machine. On top of that, the timings for today are screwy again. We docked at 2pm and normally would leave at 3:30pm but today for some reason, nobody seems to know why, we are leaving at 4:15pm. Fortunately this doesn’t affect my timings and we should be back in England around 10pm so I can get another quick phone call home to make sure wifey and cat are doing well. It also means that I have a little more time than usual to watch the fishing boats going in and out of the harbour.

The world still has it in for me. I went down to the mess for dinner, smelt the curry, felt very ill and left without eating. I’ll just have to try and get something to eat later when the vile smell has dissipated.

A fairly quiet and uneventful afternoon until we came to do the kid’s show. We only have 66 seats and there were about 200 kids and parents queuing about 15 minutes before we had even made the announcement over the ship’s PA system. We had a lot of disgruntled people but there was nothing we could do. I was also reminded why I stopped doing magic for kids as we had not one but two brats in the audience. One of the other parents got so annoyed at one of the kids she told him very loudly to shut up and stop spoiling things for the other kids. This is something the entertainer and myself had been thinking for some time but weren’t allowed to say! The other brat was also shouting out during the show and his mother who was sitting right next to him did nothing. I had to ask the kid to sit down three times as he kept standing up and blocking the view of the people behind him but all she did was give me a dirty look every time I asked him to sit. I was thinking about regenerating my kids act for next season but I’m having second thoughts after today.

On a better note, Plymouth laid on a firework display for us as we came into port tonight. Well, it might not have been for us but it was very pretty. I tried to capture some of the display n video but I’ve never used the video camera on my phone so the result wasn’t too good. Off to bed now with a roast beef sandwich and a beer. Nighty night all.

Second Wave – Day Four

I decided to get up early-ish again today and demolish another feast of bacon and eggs. Wrong move (yet again). There was some weird concoction that looked and smelt revolting so it was back to my usual tea and toast.

I managed to cut myself several times while shaving – and the boat wasn’t even rocking that much! The worst thing is trying to get the bleeding to stop enough to put on my shirt and not get blood stains all over the collar. Later today I’m going to embark on another adventure – not only am I going to find the laundry, I’m going to do some washing as well! Keep your fingers crossed as all the instructions on the machines are in French.

Success! I managed to find the laundry and even deeper joy when I found out that you can get the instructions displayed on the screen on the machine in about 50 different languages. Luckily one of them was English so everything went smoothly. Well so far anyway, I’ve yet to work out the fine details of the tumble drier.

As there are so many kids on board, I had a chat with the kid’s entertainer and I did the walk-around with him today. Whenever I go around, it seems that almost all the adults seem to have their noses buried in books, plates of food or themselves (while they are sleeping) so it’s difficult for me to work. I don’t suppose they’d appreciate me interrupting or waking them and asking if they want to see a card trick! Today I was doing stuff for the kids although I didn’t really bring a lot of kid’s tricks with me. Anyway, it worked OK so we’ll probably keep to that format. I’ve just been told that there is a special Chupa Chups promotion on Saturday and they want us to concentrate our efforts around the shop area. I don’t know if I’ll be doing balloons for the first time on this trip or if I’ll still be doing magic. Just have to wait and see.

Lunch was far from a success – I thought things had been going too well lately. The first open dish was couscous which I hate. This was followed by a mess of stewed vegetables (sorry but that’s the best way I can describe it). Finally there was a dish of the universal meat in sauce. The meat looked like it could have been rabbit, which I quite like, but the sauce was hiding under a layer of oil. Yuk is an understatement. Guess who ended up with a cheese roll for lunch. Will dinner fare any better? Only time will tell.

Talking of time, we just disembarked the passengers in England so I gave the wife a quick call. I don’t normally call her at work unless it is an emergency but these are exceptional circumstances and I need to hear her voice to get me through this trip. Sod’s law – she was in the middle of a big problem at work and couldn’t talk. I’ll just have to wait until tonight and call her from France. Stuff the expense.

The other guys thought I was ill tonight as I didn’t show for dinner at 5pm but the truth of the matter was I fell asleep. Perhaps all this hard work is finally getting to me. However dinner was amazingly average. We had a world first, well for this ship anyway, mashed potatoes! They didn’t go mad and have vegetables as well but you can’t expect miracles. I had a sort of home made hamburger as opposed to the strange looking egg-coated –with-something. It tasted OK and filled a hole but that’s as far as I would go.

My washing seems to have survived the washer and tumble dryer but I’ll leave the iron until tomorrow. Can’t have too much excitement on one day and al that. Talking of excitement, the previous kid’s entertainer and my manager seem to have encountered the same female member of the crew, albeit indirectly. You see, there are only two washing machines and two tumble driers in the laundry. There is an unwritten rule that if you need to use a machine and the owner has not retrieved their clothes, you remove the clothes and place them on the side so that you can use the machine. I feel you know where this is going but I’ll continue anyway. Some men have been on the ship and away from their loved ones for some time so when confronted with a quantity of delicate feminine underwear their imaginations tend to run riot and they spend some considerable time trying to ascertain the owner of said garments. Even to the extent of waiting in the laundry hoping that the owner of the aforementioned garments will materialise! When they finally tire of waiting, they then tend to look at every woman on the ship in a somewhat different light. I shall so no more on this subject.

Its Victor Meldrew time again everybody. On my way to the walk-around session and prior to the kid’s magic show, I went through the mess to get a quick cold drink. Looking into the galley, they were serving whole grilled mackerel. I don’t bloody believe it. I thought the chefs liked me after I entertained them last night before embarking the passengers. However, the walk-around was a bit of a waste of time since the majority of people were eating. Sod’s Law the ones that weren’t eating and I approached turned out to be French so I could only do one or two tricks silently for them. The vast majority of my patter probably wouldn’t work in French anyway so I just do the best I can.

We had a very short break compared to normal before embarking the new passengers tonight but I managed a quick call home to make both the wife and myself feel better. Embarking went smoothly as we only have about 600 passengers and this ship can carry 1500. I did a few tricks when asked but was mainly helping people find their way to the cabins and so on. I’m going to have an early night as I’m so tired but I can’t work out why. TTFN

Second Wave – Day Five

I was about to say that I almost woke up too late to send off yesterday’s diary but I suppose I should really tell the truth. I knew we would be in England between 6am and 8:30am so I set my alarm for 6am to give me time to wake up before leaving my cabin. The alarm went off at 6am and I turned it off. However I then turned over and went back to sleep so it was nearly 8am when I awoke with a start. I jumped out of bed, threw some clothes on and rushed down to the outside deck so I could send off the diary and make a quick call to the wife. I don’t like calling her while she is travelling but I don’t like not calling her even more.

It seems the bacon and eggs chef has vanished into the ether as there was some more weird stuff for breakfast including couscous. It might sound a bit strange but remember people are working on the ship all day and all night. The guys just finishing their shift want dinner not breakfast so that’s why there are some strange things in the galley in the mornings.

I had my suspicions earlier today but they were confirmed when I went to the reception desk to check the timetable for today. The ship is over-run with kids! They seem to outnumber the adults about 4 to 1. I had a quick chat with the kid’s entertainer and confirmed the situation with the French entertainment lady and instead of walking around, we both stood in the stairwell for an hour or so. He was doing balloons and I was doing some silly kid’s tricks. The most popular trick was the endless chain scam (ask me to show it to you next time we meet if you haven’t seen it). Essentially it is a con trick. The kids know I’m doing something ‘funny’ but they haven’t got a clue what and they love trying to trap the chain and winning the game – even though I only let a few of them win. In all honesty I could have just stood with this one thing for the entire hour and they would have been as happy as Larry playing the game while waiting for a balloon animal. The best bit is watching the parent’s faces as they try to work out what I’m doing with the chain as they haven’t a clue and every theory they come up with I just shoot down in flames.

We eventually escaped the kids and headed for the mess to get lunch. It looks like somebody is trying to cut down on wastage as three of the things from last night’s offering were back on display today. I gave them all a very wide berth and opted for the grilled tuna. It was somewhat overcooked but that may just have been from the heated serving trays and storage box. The food is cooked on Deck 7 and brought down to the mess on Deck 6 in large insulated containers which are plugged into the electricity when they get to the mess – sort of like an industrial scale hostess trolley. Anyway, it tasted OK but once again the vegetables had been boiled to death. Nothing interesting for dessert (as usual) so I grabbed a Coke from the machine and headed for my cabin to get a quick power nap and freshen up before throwing myself at the mercy of the parents complaining that their kids can’t get into the magic show because all the seats are taken. We only have 66 seats and I’m guessing that there are over 200 kids on board today so there will be a lot of disappointed kids and annoyed parents but there is nothing I can do.

We got most of the kids who wanted to see the show into the cinema but had to disappoint a few. When I asked if only one parent could stay with the kids, there was a massive sigh of relief from the Dads all around the room as they had the perfect excuse to spend the next 45 minutes watching TV, drinking or whatever in complete peace! The show went very well as always and we headed straight to the reception for disembark. After all the passengers had gone, my manager told me we had over 400 kids on the next trip! We are going to have another crossing from hell methinks. The three of us will need to get together over dinner and work out how we are going to handle the walk-around bit. The kid’s entertainer was saying he wants to do close-up magic but the programme says magic and balloons. Luckily we’ve just had a supply of balloons delivered so I might end up doing balloons and him doing the magic. Que Sera, Sera as they say.

Dinner was spaghetti carbonara again. With no chef serving I helped myself to what, in hindsight, seemed a fairly substantial portion. I felt a little guilty until one of the French crew sat down with a plate piled twice as high as mine.

While chatting with the other guys we talked about what DVDs we had brought with us. I mentioned that I had brought a copy of Animal Farm and one guy’s eyes lit up. I politely explained that it was probably not the film he was thinking of. If you know what I’m talking about, fine. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you probably have a pretty good idea! One of the guys has lent me a DVD of an American ventriloquist and I had a quick look at it. Very funny. Keep your eyes peeled for Geoff Dunham. I won’t spoil anything for you as I’m sure you’ll get as many laughs out of his act as I did if you don’t know what’s coming.

After disembarking the passengers I was chatting to one of the port crew and he said that today’s crossing from France was the busiest that the ship had been since its first voyage in February. It certainly felt that way and we know that we have an equally busy ship tonight. Luckily we don’t have to do anything except for the one hour meet and greet as they board. As soon as that is over we head straight for the mess, a quick drink and snack and back to our respective cabins. We did have one moaner tonight. An elderly couple asked me where the quiet bar was. I told them they were at the main bar. They said there was another bar on a lower deck so I told them it was a cafeteria/snack bar although they could get alcoholic drinks there. I also told them that it would be equally noisy as we had a large number of passengers tonight. They snorted their disgust and wandered off. I found out later that they had gone to the other two entertainers asking the same question! I give up.

Second Wave – Day Six

Breakfast today was not a happy experience. The crew coming off night duty had curry and rice so I had to grab my tea and toast as quickly as possible and head for the crew lounge. I know your body clock alters when you are working on a night shift but how on earth can anybody eat curry at 8 o’clock in the morning? The kid’s entertainer arrived and broke the news that we have another 300 kids on board this crossing. Deep joy.

We arrived at the duty-free shops to do the Chupa Chups promotion and that is where the problems started. The French entertainment girl made an announcement over the PA that there would be balloons and magic outside the shops. The parents were less than pleased when they arrived and we were trying to get them to spend €8:90 on a massive plastic lollipop which contained 15 smaller lollipops. OK so we were giving them another 5 free and a substantially larger balloon model than they normally got but they still weren’t happy. The purser spoke to us afterwards and said there had been complaints. Not about us but about they way we were trying to promote the product. Anyway, what we did was nothing less that any of the high street fast-food chains do to promote their children’s meals. All this could have been avoided by making a decent announcement at the start. They make announcements to promote the wine and whisky sales so they should have known what they were doing.

Lunch was a much happier occasion and another world first for this ship – jacket potatoes! I had a lovely piece of salmon fillet wrapped in streaky bacon – shame they didn’t bother to remove all the bones from the bacon but they were probably too busy working out how to wrap the potatoes in tin foil. Needless to say there were no other vegetables to accompany the potatoes so I had to settle for some dodgy looking lettuce leaves. I also took the plunge and tried some fresh fruit as the peaches and apricots looked fantastic. I was not disappointed as the fruit was firm and sweet – the way I like my women too!

I think we must have upset a lot of the parents earlier. With all those kids on board I expected to be turning away a lot of people at the kid’s show but it didn’t happen. We had a full house but only just. We’re guessing that after the Chupa Chups episode this morning they decided the magic show was another attempt to get them to buy something so they kept their kids away from the show. Not that we’re worried. There were loads of kids there and they all had a good time. While waiting for the new passengers to embark, we had another long chat with the Purser and he said, once again, that there was nothing wrong with what we did. He felt the error was on their part for not making things clearer over the PA when they made the announcement. They are considering doing the promotion again but will take time to get everything right before they do.

A nice quiet reading session between shifts today I’m really getting into a fascinating story and I can’t wait to see if my suspicions about certain characters in the story are confirmed or otherwise. A brief break for dinner which consisted of a pork chop with some sort of dried-out topping and an interesting mixture of haricot beans, tomatoes, onions and carrots. I wish they wouldn’t keep food uncovered in the heated serving dishes so it dries out.

The walk-around was very short tonight – about 25 minutes – as we had a limited time to sort out the kid’s show. There were several kids on board who had seen the show earlier in the week so we had to change all the tricks. During the show I keep an ear open for the announcement that we are going to be docking in 30 minutes so I can warn the entertainer if he is going on too long. Today we didn’t get the announcement and when we realised what had happened, he had to cut a 10 minutes routine to 2 minutes!

By the way, it’s finally happened. We’ve had smooth crossings since Monday when I re-joined the ship. Today is substantially rougher. In fact tonight the ship is rocking and rolling quite badly so I’m going to finish the diary now and try to get to sleep so I don’t notice the movement.

Second Wave – Day Seven

These world firsts just keep on coming. After 16 days (10 last time and 6 this) I have finally seen a croissant! We have this stereotypical image of the French with their coffee and croissant every morning but on this ship, in the crew mess anyway, they are rarer than rocking-horse droppings! The best thing about today, excluding the fact that it’s a day closer to going home, is that it’s Sunday morning and we’re in England. This means the passengers will leave Sunday papers behind (hopefully) so I can catch up on the news. That’s the one thing I really miss. I’m usually either doing something or forget completely when the news times that I know are on the TV. On top of that I have to go all the way down to the mess to see it anyway. With all the TV screens all over this ship I’m sure they could have got a deal to buy a few more for the staff cabins.

Panic time. I got back to my cabin after breakfast and found I was locked out. We have electronic swipe card keys for out cabins and my key started to play up just before I left the ship after my last contract. I’m in the same cabin this time and the key was still misbehaving when I came back on board. Finally today it gave up the ghost and decided it wasn’t going to work anymore. I had to go down to the reception and sweet talk the girls to call the maintenance guys and get them to make me a new key.

I got to reception ten minutes early so I could sort myself out before starting the walk-around magic. When I arrived there, the kid’s entertainer was already there. Not only had he started early, he had a queue of about 50 kids waiting for balloon models. We resorted to me pumping up the balloons and him twisting them. When we had a stack of balloons ready, I joined him for a while and helped to reduce the queue. Every time the queue was almost gone, another load of kids appeared from nowhere and we were back to square one. After an hour we simply said enough is enough and stopped. Luckily we’d got a break in the queue of kids so we did a runner to the mess while we could.

I have to retract my earlier statements about the French and their penchant for ‘meat-in-sauce’. Today at lunch there was veal in an absolutely fantastic sauce made from carrots, mushrooms, baby onions and bacon amongst other things. It perfectly complimented the meat and … wait for it … roast potatoes. To round things off there was tiramisu which was of the non-alcoholic variety, can’t have the crew getting wide eyed and legless on dessert can we. The tiramisu was full of chocolate, cream and coffee. It was disgusting and I almost went for a second helping to make sure I really didn’t like it!

With so many kids on board yet again, we’re expecting murder at the kid’s show later. I may be wrong but somehow I don’t think so.

I was right about the kids show. People had to be turned away but in fairness they were turning up fifteen minutes after the announcement that the show was starting in five minutes! I’ve started marshalling people to the seats in order to make sure we fill as many places as possible with kids.

I’d misjudged the amount of clothes I brought and had to use the laundry a second time today. I took my dark washing and put it in the machine earlier but when I went back I was horrified. I had left a pack of tissues in one of my pockets so the washing was covered in white bits. Not only that, there was a ton of tissue in the machine as well so I was frantically trying to clean the machine before anybody came in and saw what I had done. Trust me to do it with the dark stuff and not the whites.

I’m getting a bit tired of the meet-and-greet sessions. I was told that I would be doing magic for the adults so I haven’t got any tricks for kids with me. When the passengers are embarking, I stand at the top of the stairs by the bar with my cabaret table and all the parents keep telling their kids that I am going to do magic for them. They are somewhat miffed when I tell them I’m only working for the adults and they feel pretty stupid when they have to explain that to their kids. Serves them right for jumping to conclusions but it is still a pain. On top of that, I have to direct people to their cabins or wherever they are looking for. This means that I can’t do any tricks that get too involved as people are quite happy to interrupt me when I am in the middle of a trick for somebody else to find out where the restaurant is or whatever! The guys making balloon models get something similar. It is fairly commonplace for a parent to walk up with their child, say to the child, “what do you want?” The child will reply, “Dog” – note the lack of ‘Please’. When the kid is given a model, which may or may not be made already, the parent and child simply walk away without a word. Manners cost nothing but is seems that some people don’t know this. I’m on my soapbox again – oops! I’ll take a break and peruse the copy of the Mail on Sunday that I managed to find after the last lot of passengers got off in France.

Dinner was good tonight, steak and chips. Well I say steak but it was large chunks of beef kebab style only without the vegetables or stick. At least we had green beans to go with it. There was a far bit of tiramisu left from lunchtime so I got the chance to try it again to make sure I really, really didn’t like it!

This crossing will be another hectic one when we start work later. Best part of 350 kids on board so all hell will be let loose when they spot us entertaining in the public areas. The program says ‘Balloons and magic’ but the kid’s entertainer is loathe to do any more balloons so we might get a few problems and/or complaints. Several people were going to ‘come back later’ when they saw the huge queues for balloon models during embarkation. I’m asbestos as it’s my job to entertain the adults!

Well, somehow we got through the walk-around without being swamped. The kid’s show was a cracker and we only had to turn away a few people. Amazingly nobody turned up after we had started and tried to get in. Either that or they have finally managed to work out that the sign I put on the door saying ‘House Full’ means that there isn’t any room. Normally they ignore the sign and try to get in anyway which is a pain in the bum.

My manager wasn’t feeling very well tonight and it looked like he wouldn’t make the embarkation but he did so I was back to my steward role direction people to the toilets, restaurant and just about everything else! I headed for the mess as usual for my beer and baguette and found that there was still some tiramisu so I had another piece to see if it was as bad as the first two. I have a feeling I’ll be on a mega diet when I get home!

Second Wave – Day Eight

Well everybody, it has finally happened. I’ve taken great pride in my self-control but today I finally lost it and managed to forget which day of the week it is. The only thing that settled it was seeing a Sunday paper on my table but even then I had to double-check with the entertainments program at the reception desk. I knew where I was when I saw the word ‘LUNDI’ on the top of the sheet.

We’re in France early this morning so I didn’t need to get up early and call home or email yesterday’s diary. It seems that the ship had other ideas. I’m not sure if it was the guy next door or the person hovering the carpets in the passageways between the cabins but I was forced to wake up at 8am and I could have got at least another 30 minutes in bed. Swines. It just means I’ll have to go for my tea and toast earlier while the French are still there and dipping their toast into hot chocolate! A revolting combination, to me anyway, at the best of times but at breakfast I find it stomach turning.

I had a look at the timetable and passenger numbers today. After the bedlam of the weekend, we are down to 160 kids this morning and just over 100 on the next two crossings so life should be a little easier – in theory anyway. We’ll just have to see what surprises are in store.

The surprise was that there was nobody about! It looks like they are all hiding in their cabins. As it was an early start to the crossing, I’m guessing that everybody just went to their cabin and caught up on the sleep they had missed. We’ll see if my suspicions are correct later.

We did the walk-around and everybody had emerged from their respective hiding places so we could promote the kid’s show.

Nice lunch – pork steak forestière with a lovely mushroom sauce and cauliflower cheese.

We’ve just finished the kid’s show and I’m raging. A man sat with his children in the front row which was OK but his wife wanted to go to the shops and asked if she could come back 15 minutes after the show had started and sit with her husband and children! I told her that it wasn’t nice to walk in front of the entertainer in the middle of his show and there weren’t any seats available in the front row anyway. She ignored the fact that she would be disrupting the show and said she would sit on the floor. I told her that the entertainer needed the space and she couldn’t sit there anyway so she went off. Sure as eggs is eggs, she came back in the middle of the show. I was helping another latecomer to get to a seat when strolled in bold as brass, walked in front of the entertainer – disturbing all the kids watching – and plonked herself down on the floor where I had already told her we needed the space. The end result was that the entertainer nearly tripped over her several times. Pity he didn’t manage to tread on her, if it had been me entertaining I would have been sorely tempted to accidentally tread on her feet.

I’m having second thoughts about doing a kid’s show on here next season. If somebody interrupted my show in the way that this woman did, I would probably stop what I was doing, call them to stand next to me and publicly thank them for ruining the atmosphere and the trick for everybody who was already there and ask them to apologise to the rest of the audience! I’d probably be sacked for doing it but that person wouldn’t disrupt another entertainer for as long as they live and the rest of the audience would get the message as well!

My foul mood wasn’t helped when I got back to my cabin and found my key wasn’t working again. The engineer came up to the cabin and his pass key didn’t work either so it must be the lock and not the key. I pointed out the scratches on the key and he said he will clean the lock if it happens again. Worst of all is that I’ll be in France tonight so the call home will be brief.

I decided to iron my shirts this afternoon rather so I could get the maximum time ashore tomorrow so I went to the laundry with about 6 shirts. Both the washing machines were in use but that didn’t bother me at first. The machines are set up so that the water that is pumped out into a small gully behind them and this drains into the ship’s waste system. Normally this would be OK but ship is rocking somewhat so the water is being thrown out of the gulley and all over the floor. Fortunately there is another drain in the main part of the floor but as the ironing board is so low, it was impossible to iron a shirt without getting it wet. Another bright idea bites the dust.

The walk-around this evening was fun, for a change I actually got to do some tricks. I normally spend more time chatting but tonight they actually wanted to see magic, Steps back in amazement. The kid’s show was sparsely populated and I had to help jolly them along a bit now and again but essentially they were fine.

After we had disembarked the passengers, I noticed a wheelchair that belongs to the ship had been left in the reception area. I asked my manager if he was still feeling unwell and pointed to the chair. He had no hesitation in coming out from behind the reception desk and sitting down in the chair. One of the French girls was horrified. Apparently they consider it bad luck to sit in a wheelchair if you don’t need to use one. She said that within one year he would need a wheelchair. His reply was, “what drugs are you on woman?” He then proceeded to wheel himself around the reception area pointing at any and everything saying, “I want that one”.

When I came back from the mess to do my bit embarking the new passengers, the kid’s entertainer had made a giant balloon chicken. When I say giant, I mean giant. He was wearing the damn thing! It certainly attracted a lot of attention but I think he is starting to go a little stir-crazy like the rest of us.

The crossing is a bit choppy tonight so I’m going to finish now and head for bed.

Second Wave – Day Nine

Up at sparrow’s cough again today so I can send off yesterday’s diary and have a chat with the wife to make sure she is OK. Sending emails from abroad on my Crackberry will cost both arms and both legs and the ship’s Wi-Fi is about as useful as two tin cans and a bit of string so I just set the alarm and get up early. The early start also gives me a chance to gauge the quantity, and quality, of the passengers. It is a lot busier today than yesterday but not as bad as the weekend. I would have thought that almost every day during the school holidays would be busy but I suppose the credit crunch and poor exchange rate are contriving to keep a lot of people at home.

It’s a sad day today as I have to say goodbye to some lovely people who have helped to make my job bearable. I’ve made a point of approaching them today not only because I want to but also to let them know their friendship was valued. I don’t have any further contracts on this ship at present and it may be next year, if at all, when I get another contract. I will miss their companionship, the broken English/broken French conversations and their cheery greetings – not just at mealtimes but whenever our paths cross on the ship. There are a couple of people on the other crew that I will miss as well but this lot are special.

The walk-around magic didn’t happen as we were swamped with kids wanting balloons. Needless to say there was somebody trying to persuade us to do “just one more” even though we had been doing them for an hour! If the passengers had their way, we would spend the entire trip making balloon models. Then they would probably complain that there wasn’t any other entertainment!

Fish and chips for diner – yes! We also had the added bonus of seeing our sister ship passing by on her way to Spain. It looks like a lovely day so let’s hope it stays that way and I can have a wander around the port when we get there.

We had a few tears at the kids show today. Nothing to do with the entertainer I hasten to add. It’s just that the kids get very excited and make a lot of noise during certain tricks and some kids just don’t like noise. It isn’t just the very young ones either although Ill never understand a parent bringing a three month old baby in “to see the magic show”. Some 4, 5 and even 6 year olds don’t like hoards of screaming kids – actually I’m not that fond of them myself but they are paying my wages so I have to smile and pretend.

During the disembarkation I had another bright idea. As it was a beautiful sunny day I thought it would be a good idea to go into town and get my wife a typical French souvenir – I had no idea what at this stage but never mind. I used my bank card to take €20 out of the cash dispenser on the ship, went up to my cabin, got changed, signed myself off the ship and walked into town. As I reached the first restaurant I was tempted by the wonderful smells coming from it and thought I might treat myself to some fresh mussels. That was when I discovered I had left my wallet in my cabin (EXPLETIVE DELETED) so all I could do was wander around for an hour or so and take a few photographs. I’m gonna give up having good ideas.

Back on board I decided to clean my cabin. Yet another wrong move as they’ve hidden the vacuum cleaner. There is usually one in one of the corridors but obviously all the cleaners have been put away tidily into their correct cupboards and I haven’t a clue where they are. I’ll have to talk to my manager later and sort it out but for the meantime I’ll just have to go back to my book.

Another Tuesday means another totally pointless “emergency drill” and another good read interrupted. Today however there is a new twist to the schedule. They are allowing the passengers to embark at 9:30pm and closing embarkation at 10:30pm even though we are not sailing until midnight. The more sceptical reader might think that this is to allow the passengers another 90minutes on board to spend money in the shops, restaurants and bar but I couldn’t possibly comment as I would rather like to work here again.

Just when I thought I’d heard it all … A woman has just asked what entertainment there will be on the overnight crossing. She was rather upset when I told her, “nothing”. She even didn’t like the explanation that the lights were turned off so people can sleep and she wanted a magic show for her young child. I am straining every sinew in my body to try and suppress the temptation to go and wake them up at 2am and ask if they want to see a card trick!

Second Wave – Day Ten

My last full day on board, for this trip anyway. What a start I’ve had today. Last night I switched my mobile back on so I could transfer yesterday’s diary over ready to email today. While I was copying the file across, I received a message that there was a voicemail waiting for me. As we were in France, I didn’t call the voicemail and left it until this morning. When I called it today I found it was from the wife. She had just checked the message on the home answerphone and found a message from the production team of ‘In It To Win It’ the National Lottery game show. I applied to be on the show over two years ago and they have finally got round to calling me so keep your fingers crossed boys and girls!

It has been another strange day today. I’m worried about what will happen with my wife at her hospital appointment and the boat is rocking quite badly. I gave in to the boat and took a pill but that has only served to make me sleepy. I managed to get a quick call to the wife early this afternoon. It turns out that although there is a problem, it is nowhere near as bad as we thought it might be. More good news is that she’s called the lottery show people and told them I’m out of the country until Thursday night so they want me to call them on Friday. It looks like I’m in with a fighting chance of getting on the show.

Today’s diary will be substantially shorter than previous days. Yes, you’ve guessed it. I’m feeling sea-sick again. The pill didn’t really work so I took another late this afternoon and slept for a couple of hours. That certainly did the trick and I was ready for the kid’s show this evening. We had an incident that was balanced on a knife edge and could have gone either way today. The entertainer does a ‘dangerous’ magic trick and asks for a child to help him. The kid today was 6 and that was on the borderline for the trick. Essentially the entertainer has 3 cups and one of them has water in it. The kid is allowed to choose 2 cups and the entertainer tips the cups upside down over his own head – the idea being that the kid soaks the entertainer. However, the rule is that if the kid doesn’t manage to soak the entertainer on the first two cups, the entertainer is allowed to empty the third cup over the kid’s head. Needless to say the first two cups are empty. The kid today got really worked up and was on the verge of crying when he realised that the third cup was going over him! Naturally when the cup is emptied over the kid, it is empty as well. When the entertainer asked the kid where the water is, the kid almost became aggressive! He was asked what he did with the water and he began almost pleading that he hadn’t done anything with the water! In the end, the entertainer had to give the kid a packet of sweets to calm him down. Laugh? I nearly bought a round of drinks.

The other goodie from the kid’s show was the entertainer did a bit of a warm-up as we were ready early. He was chatting to the kids and asked if anybody knew any jokes. One kid asked, “Where is the best place to kick a pirate?” The entertainer replied, “I don’t know”, and the kid said,”Up the aarrrrse!”

We had a bit of fun and games when disembarking tonight. Apparently there is some mechanical problem with the door that the foot passengers use and they can’t open it. This means they will have to leave via the car deck. I suppose they’ll have to bring the new one son the same way. According to the email that the ship received, it will be the same tomorrow when we get to England so I’m going to have to take all my gear down the stairs to bring it all then way up again!

That’s all for today as I’m still a bit groggy from the sea-sickness pills.

Second Wave – Day Ten and a half

I had a bad night last night. I kept waking up and finding the ship rocking like mad. When I finally got up this morning the rocking had stopped thankfully, then I realised that we were docked in France. I got dressed and went down for breakfast to find a dismal day outside, pouring with rain and very windy. Methinks we are in for a rough time on the way back to England. Never mind. I have the thought of seeing the wife again to cheer me up.

I’m a bit annoyed because I saw something in the shop on the ship last week that I wanted to get as a present for the wife but when I went there on Monday they had sold them all. I spoke to the girls working in the shop and they assured me that they would be getting more in. Every day I have been back and asked again and everyday I get the same answer – they are coming tomorrow. They haven’t had any delivered today so it is too late. They have lost a sale and I am annoyed with them for spoiling a nice surprise that would have brought a much needed smile to the face of the wife.

Not a lot else to report today really. As I’m finishing at lunchtime, I’m doing as little as possible. Most of my stuff is packed away but I kept some close-up magic for the walk-around session. I packed my working suit and did the kid’s show in my travelling suit to save time. It’s still smart and I stand out from the passengers, which is the rule of the game, so I’m OK. No tears or tantrums at the show today even though we had a fairly full house. Perhaps it was just us winding down.

On a plus point, for the first time in 20 days, I gambled 50p in one of the slot machines on board as I had some loose change. Wonder of wonders, I won £5. Wish I could do that every day.

The problem with the passenger door had been fixed but nobody bothered to tell any of the crew so we’re all waiting to direct the passengers to the car deck and they port crew brought up the gangway! At least it made life easier for me. On top of that, the kid’s entertainer gave me a lift to the station so I saved the taxi fare.

Well, that’s all for this trip. Who knows when or where my next adventure will take me

A life on the ocean wave

Ten days on a cross-channel ferry

A life on the ocean wave – day zero

Day zero may seem a bit of a strange title at first but it’s the day before my contract started. This was the day for travelling from one side of the country to the other and, needless to say it didn’t go smoothly. It probably all started going wrong when I decided to change the bags I was using to carry my clothes and props – 20 minutes before I was due to leave home! I decided that using my suit carrier and a holdall would not be as easy as using a suitcase and carrying my props separately. Wrong move as I would find out later. I got a few yards away from the house when I suddenly realised that I was wearing the wrong shoes. I had packed 2 pairs of black shoes and should have been wearing brown ones but instead I was wearing yet another black pair. So it was a mad dash back to the house to change before rushing off to the train station. As I went along the road, I realised that the suitcase was far heavier than I had anticipated and it was getting heavier by the minute. My suspicions were confirmed when I attempted to lift the case down a flight of stairs and one of the handles broke. It was too late to go back home and re-pack so I just had to keep going. The train into London was fine but I can’t say the same about crossing London on the underground. The underground wasn’t built for people carrying luggage and I have no idea how people in wheelchairs use the system – if they even can! I struggled on and reached Paddington in ample time to make my train to Plymouth but managed to get in the wrong door for my reserved seat. This was a blessing in disguise as the only luggage rack, which was at the end of the carriage that I should have used, was already full. The end I got in had a large free area for wheelchair users and people had already started to put the luggage there so I added my cases to the pile. The only problem was that I had to constantly crane my neck to make sure nobody was walking off with my cases. Well, that and the fact that the train was heaving with people – so much for a quiet easy trip.

Plymouth itself wasn’t too bad. The hotel was basic but clean and comfortable – except for the television. Imagine listening to a badly tuned radio. Every so often the sound turns into total distortion, drops away or blares out. You can’t win whatever you do to try and sort it. But when you’re tired and know you have a long day ahead, exploring is not an option.

I decided to walk to the port office to find out how far away it was and to see if I could get my pass early and avoid the queues the following day. Unfortunately when I arrived the office was closed and I didn’t fancy waiting around for two hours for it to open so I made my way back to the hotel. Little did I know that the main road to the port was also part of the red light district! To be honest, even if I had known I would have thought the 6pm was a relatively safe time to be walking that particular street. Wrong again. I was approached by a female who had taken makeup lessons from Coco the Clown asking if I was looking for business. When I politely told her no thank you, I was asked, “Are you sure?” My second reply was a little more forceful so she got the message and started approaching other people who were passing by.

A life on the ocean wave – day one

A strange day as I didn’t start work until 1:30pm so I got up early and extricated my toiletries from the suitcase. Then I discovered that not only had I not packed my comb, I had forgotten to pack a scrunchie or sponge for the shower and my tie-clip. While shaving I managed to nick my left cheek. Why do the smallest cuts produce the most blood? Eventually I stopped the blood but I was conscious all day of the miniscule nick and tiny red scar on my cheek – that’s show business! I had a feeling this might be another bad day but that is about all that went wrong today. Well almost, I had planned to go to a local Subway store for breakfast but when I got there at 8am I found they didn’t open to 8:30 so I went for a walk in the pedestrian precinct and found another subway store that was already open. I also found a Superdrug that opened early so I managed to get a scrunchie and a comb. The tie clip will have to wait as I’ll mainly be wearing bow ties anyway.

After breakfast I went to see an old friend that I haven’t seen for many years. He now owns a magic shop in Plymouth and he hasn’t changed much except for putting on a few pounds – like most of us. We had a good natter and caught up on our life histories – the good and the bad. We’ve known each other long enough not to pull any punches and it was really great to be able to talk so freely.

I left his shop, went back to the hotel and caught a taxi to the port office. Getting my pass was no problem but I was very early and had a long wait for the ship to dock. The ship is very modern and clean but they didn’t think about entertaining the passengers when they designed it. The children’s magic shows take place in one of the cinemas and walk around entertaining is exactly what it says on the tin as there is no area where an entertainer could stand and put on a show. Not that it worries me as I’m moving about during almost every close-up show that I do on dry land anyway. My cabin is small but I’m only here for 10 days so I’ll manage. Next time I’m sure that I’ll bring a lot less stuff as I’ll know more about everything. The first crossing was pretty smooth but I felt a little jittery with motion sickness. I soon got over it by concentrating on my work. Coming back was delayed by an hour as I think there was some sort of technical problem but as an entertainer I’m not privvy to such classified information.

Time for bed now. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

A life on the ocean wave – day two

I woke up later than usual (must be the sea air) with a throat like sandpaper (must be the air conditioning) and had the delightful experience of my first shower. I can best describe it as trying to balance yourself on a board that is on top of a ball - with your eyes shut! The crossings have been fairly smooth but I am still trying to find my sea legs and it’s probably not being helped by the fact that I don’t have a window in my cabin.

Up on deck to make a quick call home and I discover it’s raining. This could be a choppy crossing but not a lot I can do about that so it’s off to the mess for tea and toast for breakfast since lunch is at 11 or 12 am due to the sailing times. Luckily the mess is open all day and I can get drinks and snacks at any time.

The dress code is smart and I have to stand out from the passengers so I put on a suit and one of my magician ties. I didn’t get too far from my cabin before another of the entertainers pointed out that the French have a superstition about rabbits on ships – even pictures of rabbits are taboo. This is wonderful news to me as almost every kids trick that I packed (and there were only a few since I’m supposed to be working for the adults) involves rabbits in one way or another! The other piece of “good” news I had was that the ship supply modelling balloons and I’ve bought and packed about 500 of the things along with some special “Happy Birthday”, heart shaped, pirate symbols and other balloon bits. All I can do at the moment is wonder what is coming next.

Just found out what comes next – I can’t use my special flash paper. For those of you who don’t know what I’m taking about, magicians have a special sort of tissue paper that burns quickly and brightly. Great for distractions as well as making tricks seem that much more mystical. Some of my best tricks use this paper and I’ve been advised by my manager not to use it. Good job I packed a load of other tricks!

I had a chat with one of the crew and it turns out that there wasn’t a delay last night after all. The sailing schedule had changed from the one I got from the website so I’ll just have to keep on my toes in future.

It seems I was right about the choppy crossing although most of the crew seem to think that it’s smooth! Went up on deck to get some fresh air and nearly got blown overboard. This job isn’t all it’s cracked up to be boys and girls. Just hope I manage to retain my lunch until at least after I have finished helping with the kids’ magic show later today.

While helping to set up the kids show, I began to feel a little bit too close to being ill than I really liked so I finally gave in and took a sea-sickness pill. I have no idea what they are but within 15 to 20 minutes I was feeling fine. So fine in fact that I helped to disembark the passengers and went straight to the mess for coffee and cheese rolls! I say rolls but it was really some fantastic French bread. This stuff is like nothing I have tasted before and I can only guess that it’s the flour they use.

As we have a half day here in Roscoff, I was planning to do a bit of exploring in the town. I say was because we have a typical English summer day today. Yes, it’s cold, windy and raining so I’ll just have to hope that I get better weather next Tuesday so I can find out more about the place. Now I just have to find something to do with myself until late tonight when we sail back to Blighty.

The early afternoon was passed with music in the background while I read a book. I must confess that the book was put down after a few pages and I dozed off for some time although I’m not sure how long. I was awake in time for diner though and one of the other entertainers told me there had been very heavy rain during the afternoon while he had left the ship and was exploring Roscoff. Dinner was a wonderful Boeuf Bourguignon followed by more of the great bread and cheese. All washed down with a glass of Merlot. Now what to do for the next 5 hours until the new passengers board? Think I’ll go back to the book.

Think again! I had just settled myself in my cabin when the emergency drill alarm was sounded. I followed the other entertainers and it turned out we’d gone to the wrong place. On our way to the correct place I met the new French entertainment director. She seems like a nice lady so I should get on OK with her. Drill over so back to the book.

Late evening and it’s time to meet and greet the new passengers. I did a few tricks but most people just wanted to get settled for the overnight crossing. Those that had booked cabins went straight there and those that hadn’t even booked a reclining seat just wanted to claim a space where they could sleep for the night. This was borne out by the emptiness of the cinemas on board. I had a private showing of ‘Angels and Demons’ (not as good as the book, I felt, but watchable) before climbing into bed at about 1am. Tomorrow is another 3-crossings day so I’ll be booted and suited from late morning to late evening.

A life on the ocean wave – day three

Today’s entry will be shorter than usual – for reasons that will soon become apparent.

I woke up and found the ship was moving much more than I would have liked. Perhaps a little visual demonstration will help here. Find a stick or something like that about 12 inches long. Hold the bottom and make small side to side movements. Now look at the top and see how a small movement at the bottom translates into a big movement at the top. Now imagine you are in a small windowless box at the top and you can get an idea of what I’m going through.

Anyway, I went down to the mess for my usual tea and toast and began to feel a little ill. I decided to stay in the mess and look out the window and it helped a bit, but not much so I went to the desk and got another sea sickness pill. Just before noon and still feeling ill, I went back to my cupboard cabin and got dressed ready for work. When I got to the cinema where the kids’ show was being held to assist the entertainer I was feeling, and looking, a delicate shade of puce. The other entertainer suggested that I wouldn’t be much use the state I was in so I excused myself, spoke to my manager and headed back to my cabin, gabbing a couple of barf bags on the way. Luckily I had grabbed the bags because as soon as I got into my cabin, the sea sick pill decided it wasn’t going to work! I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. Suffice to say I spent the next couple of hours asleep in my bed.

Late afternoon I awoke and took another pill. This one worked, thank God. With an empty stomach I was ravenous and devoured a large piece of the wonderful bread with a nice thick slice of ham and several coffees to help with the dehydration. All of that was just in time for dinner – pork fillet forestière with chips! I decided not to have wine with it and stuck to sparkling water instead.

Feeling fine, I assisted with disembarking the passengers. My manager got me a bag of balloons so I did balloon hats and stuff for the kids coming on board before another bread and ham with coffee in the mess and collapse in bed.

Told you today would be brief!

A life on the ocean wave – day four

Woke up early (around 6am) and found the boat rocking so took another pill – I have a stash in my cabin now – and went back to sleep. Woke up again at 9am and went down for breakfast. Enough time to finish off the diary from yesterday and start today’s epic. I’m not taking any chances though and I took the computer down to the mess where I’ve got space to breathe. On a more positive note, I did manage to have a shave on the constantly moving bathroom floor without slicing open my face so I must be getting used to things.

The kids’ entertainer leaves today and a new guy is coming on board. It seems everything is always changing. Oh well, only another week and I’ll be back on terra firma – even if only for a few days before I’m on here again.

We’ve just disembarked the passengers who got on at Roscoff last night and I have a few minutes before the next group get on. I’m still wondering what else will go wrong for me. I forgot to tell you about an incident yesterday afternoon after I had recovered. I was assisting the kids’ entertainer with his second show and he was coming to the end of his 40 minute act. He checked his watch and asked me to confirm the time. According to my watch I saw he had only been working 10 minutes! Yep, my watch battery had gone! Who on earth would think of packing a spare watch when going away. You’ve guessed it ME! I had my dress watch that I usually only wear on special occasions but now it’s being used as my everyday watch. Oh well, off to meet the new entertainer and new passengers.

1000 new passengers boarded in Plymouth and it was hectic to say the least. It wasn’t helped by the new kids’ entertainer having transport problems and not having time to change and join us so it was just myself and my manager making balloon models at 300 miles an hour. Hang on a minute, I signed on as a close-up magician to entertain the adults. What is going on here?

Embarkation over so I’ve now got 90 minutes to fill before dinner and then the highlight of the entire job – a visit to the bridge. Not that there’s a lot to see as it’s almost all autopilot and the captain only comes up to the bridge when we are entering or leaving a port. Talking of which, Plymouth is interesting in that we go in forwards and come out backwards as there’s no room to turn round! Enough typing for now, I’m off for a coffee and sandwich. Diet? What diet?

I had a big disappointment tonight. The kids that won the scavenger hunt have been on the ship before so we can’t take them to the bridge which is the normal prize. They’re going to the kitchens instead so I’ll just have to wait for another day. Talking of kitchens, I had fajita and chips for dinner. A strange combination but that’s what was on offer. My problem is they it didn’t taste like the ‘Old El Paso’ stuff I’m used to. I did give the filling a good sniff to make sure it wasn’t some strange Indian-style concoction and it smelt OK but the taste was a bit weird. With my allergy I need to be careful. Not only do I want another round of laughing down the big white telephone, I don’t fancy the idea of some French chef chasing me round the ship because I’ve said his food has made me ill! Keep your fingers crossed for me. On a more positive note, after 4 days I’ve finally found where they hide the salt and pepper so I can spice up my chips at last. A bit of a rest of half an hour and then its get dressed again for a bit of walk-around magic before assisting the new kids’ entertainer with his show.

It’s been a strange evening. The new kids’ entertainer is very different from the last. He’s an extremely good entertainer and got a great reaction from the kids and the adults alike. While going to the main office to get the lights turned on in the cinema I was grabbed by a group of 3 girls in their early teens who asked if they could go to the kids show. I told them they could but it was really aimed at younger kids. To placate them, I did a few tricks and they took the trouble to come and say goodbye before they disembarked. During my walk around bit I did a few tricks for another group of ladies but this time they were in their late teens and they made some wonderful comments on my skills as well. Little things like that make this job worthwhile.

The real confusion came when the new passengers embarked. We were told that we had 1000 passengers but we reckon most of them must have sneaked in through the portholes or something as we hardly saw anybody. The manager and I work together in the upper deck and always try and build up a stack of balloon models at the start to make things quicker when the kids arrive. Tonight we had about a dozen animals, flowers and hats left when we clocked off. Where did all the people go?

Mister observant strikes again. I’ve only been here 4 days as well! I knew I had 2 wardrobes as I’m using both of them but I didn’t see the stash of coat hangers in the second wardrobe until tonight. I’ve been doubling-up all my shirts and trousers since I got in here. I know my eyesight is poor but there are limits.

Finished work for the day and I’ve been saving my alcohol ration so I can have a nice cold beer. It went down a treat with another ham sandwich. It looks like the wife’s idea of me losing weight on this job has gone right out of the window.

As Zebedee used to say … Time for bed.

A life on the ocean wave – day five

I woke up early today so I could call she-who-must-be obeyed. My first surprise was that the boat wasn’t rocking and then I realised we were docked at Plymouth. The second surprise was that my stomach managed to survive whatever was in the fajita last night.

I sent off the diary from yesterday and had a quick chat with the wife before going to the mess for a cup of tea and then back to bed. As I was wide awake, I decided to start on the diary for today but found several mistakes in yesterday’s diary so I had to correct them, load the file back on my phone and email it again. This also meant I had to get dressed again and go outside as my phone doesn’t work in my cabin.

As I was awake and the ship was docked I decided to shower early today. Good job I did as we are now under way and the crossing is a bit on the rough side! It was nice not having to worry about the floor moving about. All I had to contend with today was being attacked, as usual, by the shower curtain. The only other thing I had to worry about was not waking up the other entertainer as I share a bathroom with him and he tends to sleep late every morning.

I took another look at the ship docking yesterday and I think I’ve got it sorted out now. As we approach Roscoff, the ship sort of does a handbrake turn and slides into the dock so we are facing out to sea and ready for the next trip. At Plymouth however there isn’t enough room in the dock to do this so the cars get off the sharp end of the ship and we back out of the dock and into the channel before turning the sharp end back to the way we really want to go – you can see I’m getting the hang of these nautical terms now. The sailing times today have changed from the normal so I think I’ve got about 3 hours to kill before I have to start work. I’ll go and check the timetable in the office to be on the safe side.

Lucky I decided to check. I actually have 5 hours of free time before I need to do any work. I decided to take a stroll around the decks and try to get a bit of exercise. It’s a nice sunny day so I spent some time outside on the sun deck before I came back to my cabin. While on my travels around the decks, I came across a mind-numbing revelation. I needed to use the toilet so rather than coming all the way back to the crew decks, I used one of the passenger toilets. Not unexpectedly there was a vending machine on the wall. On drawer had razors and shaving cream, another had nail clippers, another had a toothbrush and paste, another had condoms and the last draw had Tampax! This was the men’s toilet! I never knew that men needed those things. I shall make a mental note to discuss this with my doctor when I get home in case I’m missing out on something.

It’s gone 11am now so time for lunch and then a DVD before I start work.

Beef stew with sautéed vegetable for lunch. Came back and tried to watch a DVD but it wouldn’t play properly. I don’t know if the disc is duff or the computer was having problems because the ship was rocking so much. In the end I gave up and listened to Marti Webb singing ‘Tell Me On A Sunday’. It brought back happy memories of watching the show in the West End many years ago.

Today’s revelations continue. It turns out that the new kids entertainer lives just round the corner from me! It’s a small world – but I wouldn’t want to paint it. We’ll try and sort it with the agent so we are both on the same ship at the same time in future because he drives and we can share the travel costs.

Tonight’s crossing should be interesting. We arrive back in the UK at around 10:45pm and the ferry company policy is that we do a kids magic show one hour before we dock so that the kids are in a good mood when they leave and that, hopefully, puts the parents in a good mood too. This means that tonight we’ll be doing a kids magic show at 9:45pm! This should be interesting. How many kids will be awake at that time? How many parents will appreciate their sleepy kids being made hyperactive for the journey home? Oh well, ours is not to reason why and all that sort of stuff.

With today’s schedule being all strange, I almost completely missed embarking the new passengers. I managed to do a few tricks and balloons before we left port and made up time by adding a bit extra onto my walk-around magic session. Had a load more positive comments from the passengers so my confidence is growing. I just wish the ship didn’t move about so much while I’m working.

Diner was a bland concoction of pork in sauce with cauliflower cheese. Probably the most tasteless meal I’ve had on board. Just hope the chef doesn’t read this! Never mind, I’ve saved up my alcohol ration for later tonight after we have boarded the new passengers. Think I’ll go and see if I can help the manager with his quiz to make up a bit more of the time I missed.

The quiz was fun. There were a few tricky questions and one very clever question at the end which fooled everybody. I went back to my cabin for 90 minutes before going down to help out with the kids show. As usual, I took off most of my working clothes but this time I found one of the seams on one pair of my dress trousers is starting to come undone. When I saw it I thought, “Oh deary me”, only in not quite so many words. I’ll have to be really careful as I only brought two pairs of work trousers and I’ve still got a week to go.

Disembarking was fairly easy tonight as there weren’t many foot passengers. Embarking was a different story! They just seemed to keep coming and coming. The three of us were making balloon models as fast as we could be we still had loads of people around us waiting. I’m supposed to be doing magic so I set a few props on my table top but hardly ever get time to use them. I was worried in case I didn’t get off before midnight and wouldn’t get my beer but luckily I got away in time and managed a beer and a ham baguette before the clock on the drinks machine ticked over and I lost my daily ration. Being the delicate flower that I am, I always break my bread into two or more pieces unlike the French crew from below decks who manhandle the entire baguette at once.

Just to spite me, one of my nails decided to break as I left the mess and headed back to my cabin. Will I ever have a day where everything goes right?

A life on the ocean wave – day six

When I woke up today, the clock was showing 6:30. Far too early so I rolled over to go back to sleep for a while. This is very easy in my cabin since there are no windows and the only light that creeps in is when the other entertainer uses the shared bathroom. However, when I woke up again it was almost 10 o’clock – and lunch starts at 11! No, that’s not quite what I meant. I meant that I wanted to have my breakfast before the French crew started to have their lunch. With my precious eating schedule all shot to pieces there was no option but to go for three pieces of toast today and skip lunch completely. I can eat things at times others find strange but tuna casserole or veal ragout for breakfast is beyond even my capabilities. The other thing I had to worry about was getting my free drinks. Wine for breakfast? Perhaps not. I decided on diet Coke and took it up to my cabin. This was the first fizzy drink I’d had in over a week and it tasted like nectar. Isn’t it strange how we take things for granted? I found an English newspaper that somebody left behind when they got off the ship last night so I’m going to have a decent read before I start work.

The kids’ show at lunch time went well but we did have one complaint. For safety reasons, we have to do the kids show in the cinema. Obviously, we can’t do this when they are showing films so the sequence tends to be one film, a brief break, a second film, another brief break, Kids’ magic show, 10 minutes break then disembark. One lady complained that there wasn’t enough time between the films and the show to have lunch so they missed half the magic show. We had a similar complaint from one of the new passengers. He described the soft play area as, “about as big as a toilet” which is a slight exaggeration – but not much. He was very irate that there wasn’t any organised entertainment for the under 5’s until an hour before we docked in France. We went to great pains to explain the situation but he still wasn’t happy and kept saying that he was, “going to write to head office and complain”. We asked him to do this as if enough people complain they might modify the ship over the winter and give us entertainers the facilities that we need. On the other hand however, the crossing takes less time than a trip from London to Scotland on a train. Does he complain to the rail companies if they don’t provide suitable entertainment for his children? On the other side of the coin, one lady was telling us how she had written to the head office after her last trip to praise the service and staff.

Hopefully I’ll get to go to the bridge tonight after dinner. It depends on who wins the Scavenger Hunt that is organised for the older children. There are playing cards hidden all over the two public decks. They have a map which tells them roughly where the cards are hidden and they have to find the card and tell us which one it is. The four ‘Ace’ cards are hidden but we don’t tell them where and there are bonus points for finding them. The only problem is that there are regular passengers so some kids know where most of the cards are located and the same people keep winning. Since the prize is a visit to the bridge (and they know it) and have already been there, why do they bother to enter time and time again?

Dinner was a nice slice of roast gammon in an orange sauce with mixed vegetables. Quite tasty even if the roast potatoes were done to death. I’ve also just realised that most of the meals here are some sort of meat in sauce. I may be in trouble if any of the chefs read this!

To quote the immortal words of Victor Meldrew – I don’t bloody believe it. After I had finished eating, my manager came to collect me and take me to the bridge with the winners of the Scavenger Hunt. Incidentally he used a different hunt to the one I described earlier. The one he used gets the kids to move around the ship counting the number of lifeboats, finding the price of certain items and things like that. Anyway, there was a clear winner and it was an English person or team so he announced the winners over the ship’s PA system and told the winners to come to the information desk and he would take them to the bridge of the ship as their prize. Did they come? Did they hell! Ten minutes and three announcements later we finally gave up. Maybe one day I’ll get to see the bridge. To really bang the nails into the coffin, while we were waiting we had another parent complaining that there was no organised entertainment for the under 5’s and it, “Simply isn’t good enough”. Since this diary is going public, my opinions and thoughts must remain private! I’m also getting a bit nervous about my walk-around slot later tonight. I’ll be working for the adults and pointing the kids to the magic show later. Bet I get a few moans about that too!

Wonder of wonders no more complaints, well not to me directly anyway. The woman who complained about the lack of entertainment turned up for the kids’ show fifteen minutes after it had started even though the entertainer made an announcement over the PA five minutes before he started. When she arrived the theatre was almost full and I told her she would have to sit towards the back with her child on her lap so she could see. She decided to stand about half way down the theatre and have a conversation with another parent – while the show was going on! After a few minutes I went up to her and advised her that there was another twenty minutes or so of the show and she would be better of sitting down. She said, “OK” but decided to ignore me and continue standing. Five minutes later, as part of the act, a balloon was burst and her child didn’t like it so she carried the child out of the show. I heard later that she went straight to the reception desk and complained that her child had been frightened by the entertainer. Then she proceeded to ask for balloon models for her child despite the child saying that they didn’t want a balloon and didn’t like them anyway!

The bar is having a cocktail promotion tonight so after the passengers had disembarked, we went mad making balloon plats, animals, flowers and almost anything else we could think of to decorate the bar. They asked for it so we gave it to them – in spades! Best of all I managed to find a copy of today’s Guardian so I’ve got tons to read.

I decided to go mad tonight and supper was ham and cheese in the baguette washed down with a nice cold beer. Could have done with several more beers but rules are rules.

A life on the ocean wave – day seven

Today is another strange timing day and we’ll be doing a kids show late at night again. Stand by for more complaints. I set my alarm for early so I could call home but as there are cabins either side of mine and one behind as well, I couldn’t have the alarm too loud. Yes, you’ve guessed it – I slept through the alarm. Thankfully I woke up in time to send off yesterday’s diary and call home for a while before we were out of range of the UK telephone signal. It’s early but I might as well get washed, dressed and get some breakfast. The weather outside looks grotty and the ship is moving a lot but we’ve only just left Plymouth so this might be a rough crossing.

I think we arrive in Roscoff at 2pm so we’re doing the kids show at 1pm. I need to check up the times for the rest of the day. From the weather forecast on TV it looks like we’re in for rough crossings in both directions – but I’m fairly used to it now. I wonder if I will get land-sick when I get off the ship next week.

It’s time for my Victor Meldrew impression again. Went down to the mess for lunch to find I had a choice between Langoustines and roast breast of duck. Two of my most favourite foods and they are making me choose between them. I don’t bloody believe it! I finally decided on the duck and had a wonderful dauphenoise potato with it. I decided the chocolate cake might be a bit too rich given the current sea conditions.

While talking to the kids’ entertainer I obtained concrete proof that the French have no sense of humour. One of the chief French entertainers on another ship is called FANNY and she comes from BREST and THEY DON’T THINK THIS IS FUNNY!

Another thing he said is that he was offered a very large sum of money to entertain for the Christmas and New Year period a couple of years ago. The fees are large for several reasons. Firstly, most entertainers are fully booked long in advance so the fee is an attempt to entice them on board. Secondly, people don’t want to be away from their families and thirdly, the seas are very rough at that time of year. The money is attractive but I think Id rather be on dry land with the wife and cat. Talking of the wife, I’m missing her like crazy. To give you an idea of how much I am missing her, I get home on Thursday night and she’ll probably be walking around bow-legged on Friday – assuming she has enough energy to get out of bed in the first place!

We arrived early in Roscoff again which caused havoc with the kids show. The announcement that we would shortly be arriving and that the car decks were open came over the PA half way through the last trick so everything got done at breakneck speed. I wish they would make up their minds what is going on so we don’t keep looking stupid. On top of that foot passengers were congregating around the usual exit only to be told that they had to use the exit one deck higher. This really pigged off all those people who had been waiting for an hour to try and be the first ones off the ship! For some strange reason the wait here is also extended. Instead of the usual 90 minute turnaround, we are here for three hours today. This is a pain for us entertainers as we all eat together at 5pm every day. The passengers will start boarding at 4pm and we need to be there for an hour to greet them. I’m also scheduled to do walk-around magic at 6pm so my time to eat will be cut short as I need to clean my teeth and so on after eating before I can start work. Because of leaving port at 5pm, it means another kids show at 10pm and possibly worse still a meet-and-greet an midnight in Plymouth. Making balloon animals at midnight is not exactly my idea of a fun gig. To add insult to injury, nobody left and English newspaper today so I can’t find out what is going on in the world and I’ve got 90 minutes to kill before I’m on duty again. I decided to console myself with a cheese baguette and half of my daily wine ration.

I found out why the foot passengers had to use a different exit – the tide was out. The ship was a lot lower down on the quay than I had seen it before. Anyway, we got the meet and greet done and headed for the mess. There was plenty of duck and langoustines left from lunch so for a starter I had …. BOTH! I followed that with a huge chunk of beef, loads of carrots and some boiled potatoes. Wonder what this is going to do for my waistline? As we were eating, I felt the ship moving a bit more than usual and my fears were borne out when I started my walk-around magic session. The ship is rocking like a demented cradle, side to side as well as back and forth. There is virtually nobody on board and most of those that are feel rather ill. I managed about 35 minutes of close-up before giving up. I’ve taken a pill to be on the safe side and I’m going out on deck to get some air.

I’m not sure if the sea has calmed or the pill has worked its magic on me but I feel a lot better than I did about an hour ago. After I took the pill and had a walk outside, I went to the mess, got a cup of coffee and watched ‘Countryfile’ on BBC1. Not really my sort of thing but it was the only English TV channel with anything even vaguely interesting. The pill is definitely kicking in as I can feel myself getting sleepy.

I’ll close the diary for today now so I can send it off when we get to England in a couple of hours. If anything exciting happens I’ll put it in tomorrow’s epic instalment. If nothing happens, I’ll just crash out in my bed at midnight after greeting the new passengers.

A life on the ocean wave – day eight

I’m on the homeward stretch now! Well home for ten days anyway before coming back on board for another ten days. At least I’ll be better prepared when I come back.

Before I get on to today’s events I must add a little tale from last night. I’m beginning to think my boss is going a bit stir-crazy – and he’s still got four weeks of his contract left! As he didn’t fancy anything on the crew menu at dinner last night, he bought himself a children’s meal from the public restaurant and brought it back down to the mess to eat it with us. The meals come in a cardboard box and have a bottle of water and other stuff just like the children’s meals from high-street fast food outlets. After he’d finished the food, he began to explore the contents of the box and found a sheet of stickers which he proceeded to peel off and stick in random places all over the box. Next out of the box came a sheet of magnetic stickers which got stuck onto a can of drink he had bought. Finally out came a colouring book and some crayons so he decided to colour in the pictures. Sadly his idea of colouring in was somewhat different to most people. He held all the crayons in his hand at the same time and scrawled over the pictures! I dread to think what he will be like when I come back on board in August.

OK, today started as a real bummer. All 3 of us entertainers had a similar experience in that we were woken up at 5am by things falling from the shelves in our respective cabins. In my case it was toothpaste and aftershave. I managed to leap out of bed quickly and didn’t lose too much of the aftershave to the carpet but my cabin now reeks of Paco Rabanne. The ship was rocking and rolling everywhere but nobody can understand why. There was very little wind, the sun was shining and there was hardly a cloud in the sky so why was the sea being such a swine? For some strange reason, if I lie in the dark I can cope with the movement of the ship but I knew I had to get out of bed so I went straight for the sea sickness pill. It worked wonders. When I finally got out of bed a few hours later I was as right as rain which is more than can be said for most of the passengers I saw on my way down to breakfast. I had a brief chat with one of the French crew and they were wondering if the ship had deployed the stabilisers. If they had been deployed, it would have used a lot more fuel and that would have increased the cost of the crossing to the company. We will never know.

The rest of the morning was fairly uneventful. We did a kids show at about 12:30 and docked at 1:30. It made a nice change to do the show at a sensible time and without having to rush anything. Lunch was supposed to be beef in a peppercorn sauce (meat in sauce again) but it was the toughest pieces of meat I’d ever tasted anywhere. If the pieces had been larger and thinner, I could have used them to repair the soles of my shoes! Anyway, the new passengers are on and I don’t have to do anything until 7pm when I do so more walk-around magic for the adults and then help the kids’ entertainer with his show. Think I’ll go back to reading my book for a while.

Dinner was Spaghetti Carbonara but the French do things a bit different to anything I’ve seen before. They break a raw egg over the pasta and sauce! I’ll have to speak the guys in my local Italian restaurant about that one. The other thing was that they didn’t have parmesan cheese so I had to make do with grated Swiss cheese instead – coarsely grated not the fine breadcrumbs of parmesan.

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE – it’s finally happened. I’ve managed to get on a tour of the bridge! He shoots, he scores, he got bored brainless! It’s all automatic these days. There were a couple of people peering through binoculars but I haven’t a clue why. I could see loads of other ships quite clearly without binoculars. Perhaps they were trying to look through the windows on the other ships. Anyway, there really isn’t a lot to see up there, just a few banks of screens but there is a fantastic view of the sea in general so I suppose that made up for the lack of other things to look at. I wonder if anything exciting will happen during my walk-around session later. Probably not as we haven’t got a lot of passengers. We seem to have quite a few lorry drivers as I was asked for directions to the drivers lounge by several people as they boarded earlier but they aren’t going to want to see magic tricks and I don’t go in their lounge anyway.

As I suspected the walk-around was a waste of time but I’m being paid to do it so around I go. Most people were eating, sleeping, reading or made it blatantly clear that they wanted to be left alone. A couple of times kids came up and tried to muscle in while I was working for the adults so I told them that I was working for the adults and that they would have their magic show later in the evening. Having said that, we had some older kids being a pain in the bum during the magic show. We couldn’t work out exactly who it was as there were a group of them sitting in the dark at the back of the theatre. If we could have found out exactly who it was, we would have got them to leave as they were spoiling things for all the other kids. We did tell them all that they didn’t have to stay in the show and we would be quite happy if they left but I think the subtlety was lost on them.

The other entertainers have gone to watch X-Men in the cinema. It’s the new one about Wolverine but I don’t want to watch it without the wife. We watched all the other ones together and it would spoil it if I watched it now and then watched it again with her. We arrive in Plymouth early tomorrow morning so I’m going to get an early night and be awake in time to call home. It’s the only chance I’ll have tomorrow as we stop in Roscoff all afternoon for the crew change over. I was thinking of going ashore but I’ll probably stay on board and watch a DVD on the laptop.

A life on the ocean wave – day nine

I set the alarm a little louder today to make sure I was awake in time to call home. The French crew always look astounded when they see one of the English people before noon and I think it’s because we don’t have anything to do early in the morning that we tend to lie in somewhat.

I sent off yesterday’s diary while having my tea and toast in the mess and then went out on deck to call home. I didn’t want to call too early as I know the wife is getting ready for work but on the other hand, I wanted time to talk as well. A delicate balancing act indeed. Just hearing her voice is enough to get me through today as it’s the most boring day in the schedule. I even managed a quit chat with our cat Merlin. For some reason he wants to talk to everybody when I answer the phone but when I called today all he managed was the briefest of meows before climb out through the cat flap and into the garden.

I’m always aware that the person I share a bathroom with does not get up early so I try to make as little noise as possible when I use the bathroom early in the morning. I decided that it was too early to shower and shave without waking him up so went back to bed for a while. Bad move. When I woke up again, the ship was back to its normal rollercoaster routine. I had no option but to brave the movement and try to shave. Wonder of wonders, I managed it without any damage to myself. I must be getting used to this. On the other hand, I think I may have finally cracked as I constantly have to think if we are heading towards England or France!

Our delightful treat for today was that some kid had been sick in the cinema just before we were due to start the show so we had to get the cleaner in to sort out the mess before we could set up let alone start the show. I don’t know how theses girls have the stomach to clean up somebody else’s vomit. I have enough trouble cleaning up my own but they just take it all in their stride.

It’s 2:30pm and we’ve just finished disembarking the passengers in Roscoff. I’m not on duty now until 9:30pm so I have seven hours to kill. The other two entertainers have gone into town but my finances are somewhat limited so, as they say in the newspapers, I made my excuses and left. Talking of newspapers nobody left one today so I’ll have to try and catch the six o’clock news tonight on the English TV in the mess. I think I’ll tidy my cabin to save time on Thursday and put on a DVD to pass the time. I might even say stuff the roaming charges and call home later tonight – assuming they have enabled the roaming service on my mobile!

The DVD I wanted to play wouldn’t work from the laptop. I know it’s OK as I’ve played some of it at home. It must be the DVD drive on the laptop doesn’t like the discs that I have recorded. I ended up watching ‘Vera Drake’ as I haven’t seen it for some time. Would love to meet Imelda Staunton just to tell her how much I admired her performance in this film. Bad news number two, it looks like the roaming service hasn’t been enabled on my mobile so I can’t call home tonight. I’ll have to see if I can sweet talk the office staff to give me some free internet access so I can use Skype to call home instead. I don’t hold out a lot of hope but it’s worth a try.

Dinner tonight was fantastic. Lovely thick juicy pork chops in onion gravy. OK don’t start me on the meat-in-sauce bit again. This gravy was wonderful. I had to fight every nerve and sinew in my body to stop myself going back for second helpings. I placated myself with a couple of slices of sweet juicy melon but I’m saving my alcohol ration for after I finish work (and I use the word in its broadest sense) tonight.

Happily for me but sadly for you dear reader the evening was completely uneventful. The crew changed back over but I only recognised one of them. I joined the ship at midday last Monday and the crew changed at midday last Tuesday so I’d only seen most of them for a few hours. Hardly surprising I only recognised the French entertainer.

One of the French waitresses in the bar asked me to do a magic trick for one of her friends who is also working on board. The other entertainers suggested I should offer to give the lady a private magic show in my cabin but I am happily married and really, really love my house.

Tomorrow should be interesting as we have one of the head honchos from the ferry entertainments department on board during the morning crossing so we’ll all be on our best behaviour for a change. Watch this space to see what happens.

A life on the ocean wave – day ten

It’s my last full day on board – well for this trip anyway. I didn’t have any luck getting free internet access as there weren’t any girls on the information desk that I recognised. Maybe next time I’ll have better luck.

I’ll be glad to get home and see the wife again. The pay here is good but no amount of money can compensate for not being with her. One of the other entertainers reckons that another ship he worked on paid twice what I am being paid here and you only had to perform a 45 minute cabaret act every evening! What on earth do you do with the rest of the day? Allowing 3 meals of 30 minutes, 30 minutes to change into stage clothes and set up the act, 30 minutes to pack away and change back to everyday clothes and 8 hours sleeping gives a total of 11 hours and 15 minutes. How does anybody fill the remaining 12 hours 45 minutes? I would go stir crazy within a few days. There is a limit to how many books you can read, DVDs you can watch and so on. I’ll think very carefully before I take on a job like that.

It’s another early start for me today so I can call home but I’m not on duty until midday so I can start to pack away a lot of my stuff. If I get to meet the big boss later I’ll try and convince him to buy the heart shaped balloons and the pirate face balloons as the kids love them. The other entertainers send the kids to me when they ask for a hat and I make pirate hats for the boys and princess crowns for the girls. Essentially it’s the same hat but with a different balloon on the front of it but that doesn’t matter to the kids and the parents seem to like it as well. I make sure that all the hats are different colours if I’m making several hats for the same family and that way I help to avoid arguments if one of them manages to burst their balloon. Even though I’ve never had kids, I remember the arguments between my brother and myself when we were young!

I thought things were going too well lately. As I was awake, I decided to shower and shave before we got too far out to sea and the waters got too rough. Shower and shave was no problem until I came to trim my beard. Within seconds of starting my trimmer died so I need to recharge the battery pronto. Then I started to clean my teeth. Notice I said STARTED. You’ve guessed it, the toothbrush died on me as well and I need to recharge that. I only have one adaptor for the power socket but fortunately I brought an extension bar as I didn’t know how many sockets I would have in my cabin and how many things I would want to connect to the mains at once.

I knew we were in for a rough crossing today when I watched the weather forecast. We’ve had worse – but not much worse. The ship is listing heavily to port or for the benefit of you landlubbers, if you face the sharp end, the boat is leaning over to the left. Once again, things are falling off my shelves so I think I’ll get dressed as quick as I can and get downstairs where it doesn’t rock so much. Thankfully it’s starting to brighten up a bit so the sea might calm down but, as I’ve learnt over the past ten days, the sea is a law unto itself. No sign of the big boss man yet but I’m suited and booted so my bum is well and truly covered if I happen to bump into him on my travels.

Some people never cease to amaze me. I went outside to get a break for the air conditioning that exists throughout the ship to see people huddling together under blankets and sitting on the deck. There was another family who had brought a huge cool box and were sitting in their anoraks with hoods up having lunch outside. Firstly, those sitting on the deck were literally on the deck. The deck itself is covered with a plastic matting so any liquid passes through and drains away safely. However the matting does get cold and wet so why on earth sit on it when there are loads of empty benches and tables available outside? Secondly, why sit outside in bitter winds and rain when there are loads of empty tables and chairs inside?

Lunch today was brilliant. Steak and chips (OK, there was a pepper sauce for the steak as well). The steak was cooked exactly as I like it – on the hoof. One of the other entertainers said the meat might as well still be alive! It was beautiful and tender but I think dinner tonight is pretty naff from my limited translation of the French menu.

The kids show went well, as usual and we were being watched by the big boss man. He was extremely impressed with our professionalism and the rapport between the kids’ entertainer and me. We had a nice chat after the show and he seemed happy with what we are doing.

One of the other entertainers told me an interesting story about another ship in its first year of service like this one. The other ship had a huge viewing window at the front but when a very large wave hit the glass wasn’t strong enough to withstand the pressure and broke. Thankfully nobody was cut by flying glass but lost of people got very wet. The trouble came when one idiot passenger rushed into another lounge and screamed, “The ship is going down”! The natural result was total panic among all the passengers and it took the crew some time to calm everybody and restore some semblance of order. That design fault has now been well and truly rectified.

I said things were going too well and I was right. We had a problem with one of the propellers while trying to dock at Roscoff. End result was two hours late docking and a ship full of angry passengers. My worry is that we get back to England on time tomorrow afternoon as my rail ticket is booked for the 3 o’clock train and if I don’t make it I’ll have to pay another fare. Keep your fingers crossed.

I was right about dinner being naff and I’ve just learnt the French word for ‘curry’! I have a bad allergy and I only have to smell curry to feel ill. The ship is rocking enough at present to make anybody feel ill so I don’t need any encouragement from curry. I’ll wait until late tonight to get some bread and cheese or something from the mess as I have no intention of paying the prices in the restaurant. They seem to be sailing as fast as possible in order to try and make up for the time we lost trying to dock in Roscoff and we’ve been told the crossing back will only take five hours instead of the normal six. All this means our normal schedule has gone out of the window for tonight so we’re just playing things by ear.

As we’re running late, Ill close the diary for today and report anything exciting that happens tonight in tomorrow’s entry.

A life on the ocean wave – day ten and a half

I said I’d anything exciting from last night to today’s entry so …

When I arrived in Plymouth last Sunday, I put my return rail tickets somewhere safe so I wouldn’t lose them. You’re ahead of me, I can tell. Yes, I forgot where I put them. After unpacking all my bags completely, I still couldn’t find the tickets and was starting to panic. Added to this, I was supposed to be doing walk-around magic and the big boss was on board. In a flash of inspiration I remembered a hidden pocket in the case for the laptop and surprise surprise, there were my tickets. As far as the big boss was concerned, I didn’t see him again until we reached Plymouth and he was leaving the ship. Another of the entertainers overheard him telling the purser on the ship and he was extremely pleased with us and we were presenting a fantastic public image for the company. This was reinforced when we had the propeller problems I mentioned yesterday. Completely off the cuff, all three of us entertainers started making balloon hats and animals for the kids of customers who were getting a bit frustrated at the delay in docking. Keeping the kids happy seemed to keep the parents happy too.

Toda has been a strange day. I’m sure you all know the feeling on your last day at work before going on holiday. That is how I feel now but it’s probably worse for me as I don’t do anything in the mornings apart from help out with the kids show, say goodbye to the existing passengers and greet the new ones. As the last two options don’t apply to me today, I’m just hanging around until midday when the kids’ show starts.

The show is hard work as there are only about 6 kids and 3 parents in the audience but I do my best to jolly them along. There is also the small matter of the ship docking fifteen minutes early which we weren’t told about until two minutes before we were due to start the show. A bit more warning and we could have started earlier so we wouldn’t have had to rush things so much. Not that I really minded as it meant I got off the ship a bit earlier. The downside of which was that I had longer to wait at Plymouth station.

I’m on the train home now and have just sent an email to the agent letting him know that everything went fine and that the Brittany Ferries boss was happy as well.

One thing I haven’t mentioned during the past ten days is that I’ve been squelching. Although I hasten to add it’s not just me. The decks have some sort of non-slip flooring and my shoes are sort of reacting with it. Every step I take is matched with a squeak, squelch or some other obvious noise. I was very aware of t at first but as time wore on I forgot about it.

All in all it has been an interesting time and I trust you have enjoyed reading my exploits. I have learnt two things from this trip. The first is total respect for the power of the sea. It can make this massive ship shake and roll with ease. Never again will I underestimate the power of water. The second thing is that no amount of money can compensate for being away from my darling wife for more than a few days.

Stand by for volume two when I return to the ship soon.